BITS AND PIECES

We all have some anecdotes to share. I myself have a congress of them. They are funny, hilarious, and heartwarming. Like the rest of the earth, I rise up from whatever mess I am with or had been to, and try to see the funny side of my existence. Even as a child, I knew I had to humor myself to keep me going or I I would have ended up in a nuthouse. Care to read my potpourri of travelogue? Come journey with me!

1. Bali, Indonesia (Island Of A Thousand Temples)

I was on a spring break and decided to fly here by myself. It was my first time ever to be at the beach without the company of any friends or family members. I was in my 30s and thought,

"Oh, for the heck of it, I'm gonna do it!"

Couple of days later, I got my ticket and flew in.

Upon my arrival at my hotel (forgot the name of it since this was a long time ago), I remember tipping the porter with a huge sum of money not realizing that I was giving away his week's worth of wages.

Traveling into the country and exchanging money in the local currency made my brain to think backwards. The maths gave me a diminishing return. The result?

The Indonesian young man in short-sleeved shirt was all smiles to me and was very courteous and thankful. In glee he said, “Thank you, SIR!”

Geez, I asked myself,

“Is there any handsome dude by my side that he called me, SIR?”

When I turned my back to check out, there was not even a fly behind me! Eeks!

He called me a “SIR” when I got uterus and ovaries to speak of! Just thought If I were too ugly not to be recognized as a woman? Moments later, I noticed he addressed anyone or everyone regardless of age and gender with a “SIR.” Not wanting to embarrass him any further, I decided to keep mum about the whole thing. Et voila! When I left the hotel to fly back to my country of destination, he was quite handy with my needs and wished me well! He was just wonderful!

Back at the beach in Bali, I was kind of dazed. My eyes were feasting not because there were many cute guys around me. Nah! It was because of the women!

Mind you, I am not gay or a lesbo. I am straight and a hetero. But in the beach area in Bali, boy, I have never seen so many boobies in my life. They dangle in various shapes and sizes. Some are tiny rose buds and some are really sagging like a pendulum that anchors down their belly buttons. These women didn't care if they had the shape or the age for it. They just walk around topless and bottonless anywhere there. These European women who worship the sun do not get much of it in their countries. So they take advantage of the sun in Bali. Here, locals couldn't help but see-look and feast on their bodies! Men go naked and do skinny dipping, too. But they don't get as much attention women do get. There is something about the boobs, I tell you.

In perspective, they don't want to be looked at or stared upon like sex objects. *HELLO?* Who is doing this and that? Weird, right? They are clad in their birthday suit and demand that locals shouldn't look at them out of respect. Boo-boo!

Armed with my Sony camcorder (digital cameras were still unknown then), I tried to be anonymous in my endeavor. Thoughtful that my family was not with me, I tried my best to document the whole scenario if only to show them the culture at the beaches in Bali!

My camera was new. Ten months ago, I remember paying three grand for it at a camera shop in Akihabara, Tokyo's electronic city. Anyway, after I was done with my documentary, I decided to sit down and take a rest.

Iny my solitude, I laid down my beach towel in the sand. I thought, "Wow, I found my strategic space under the coconut tree!"

There goes my refuge at last. In it, I was contented like a baby. Lying down on my back, my eyes were closed. I was smiling in my reverie. I was in awe to hear the sound of the water splashing near me. The wind blows through me and triggered a funny feeling inside my frame of mind. I was in heaven with the beauty of nature all around me. How could everything be so good yet so real?

However, in a splendor of a moment, I was jolted immensely. My trance-like-state was shattered. An unwelcome stranger came running to me!

“SIR, massage?”

Shit. WTF is that for, that SIR thingy? I thought quietly.

My eyes were piercing her with anger. I could feel the pulsating beat it gives me on forehead. She should be getting the energy I was transcending. She was provocative enough to wake me up in my slumber, she should be ready for its consequence!

Finally, my intolerance came through. I was in fury and ready to kill this idiot!

“YES?” I asked in a high pitched-tone.

“Massage, SIR! Very cheap!” Oh silly- not only did she call me a SIR but she even obliged me to take her offer!

I said, “No, thank you. Please leave me alone. Give me a break. Sram you bloody f_ _ _g a_ _ h _ _e!

Notwithstanding, I gestured once more for her to shut up and to leave me alone. Finally, the poor woman in her 50s (a local) quiet down a bit. Thank God! Oh, woh! but as soon as she got back her composure, she began once more with her ranting.

“Please, SIR! Massage please!” She grinned with her toothless mouth. At that point in time, I yelled, “Get the hell out of here and leave me alone! I am not a SIR! I am a woman and you bitch, you stupid thing, YOU-DO-NOT-CALL-ME-A-SIR, understand?!”

Poor woman! I was gloating at her! My throat was brazen! I was insulted!

What did the old folks say at home? "Never joke with a person who have just gone out of bed!"

Finally, she ran for her life and left me alone (sigh). Good girl!

After about a week in the sun, it was time to pack up and get back to reality.

Monday came and school re-opened. I reported for work feeling good and beautiful about my holiday. I had a great tan! And I made it at the beach all by myself!

At school they asked,

”Hey, where did you go and get that tan?”

“In Bali, SIR.” Bewildered, my female colleagues looked at each as if they were saying, "What happened to you darling?"

“You called us a sir?”

"Yes I did."

The women glared and so did I.

Lah-dee-dah. I just gave them a trip down memory lane!

2. San Marino Republic (Northern Italy)

This time, I was in Europe with an older gf who taught with me at the international school. We were pacing towards the lobby when a shorty man who looked like DANNY DE VITO came running into my direction. I thought he was greeting some people behind us. However, in a fraction of a second, my eyes- blinked, my heart- swamped, I was catatonic.

What the hell happened? The midget just kissed me in the lips…for crying out loud- kissed me in the lips!

“Muy bonita!”

(He said I was beautiful in Spanish).

“Bellissima!”

(Very beautiful! He added in Italian).

“Free drinks on the house for the whole group on this side. And for you, BELLISSIMA (referring to moi), anything you want just order them here, it's on me and for all of you, it's free on the house!”

Tongue tied and still shaken, I asked him,

“Hey you, why you kissed me? Why all the freebies?”

(translation: You ugly dinosaur get out of my way!)


“I have never seen such a beautiful Filipina like you and I am honored to have you in my hotel!”

[Did he say he is the owner of the hotel? What? Oh! But what the heck? He was not my type!]

The hotel was a fortress in the heart of San Marino, overlooking its awesome horizon. It was magnificent and beautiful and is about two hundred years old. If I had ambitions to get rich then (late 1990's), I could have flirted with this dwarf! But I won't be able to walk down on the streets with pride and sleep tight at night had I done that! Besides, I was still sane!!!

Over dinner, the whole gang of folks in my table were teasing me non-stop. I was melting away my composure... I was on fire with rage! But what can I do? I just let them celebrate their free drinks on the house(*mouth pouting*).

“Boy, your sex appeal is shining! And thanks for the drinks!”

"To our contessa, Cheers!"

They raised their wine glasses to high heavens and gave me a toast! A toast!

Sulking, I was red like a cherry. In the spirit of camaraderie, I just had a good laugh for closure. Ngeek. Story of my life!

3. MOMA (Museum of Modern Art), NYC
I was with another gf. We flew in from Orlando, Florida to La Guardia International Airport. It was my summer break. This was in the mid ‘90s.

At the airport, we started our marathon in getting out to hail a yellow cab. Finally, one landed in front of us.

“Manhattan please…”

We spoke in duet. *Ting!* It was a nice feeling when you say the same thing at the same speed and at the same time- it’s just great! Wow!

Fifteen minutes after, we were there by the entrance of this beautiful apartment building located close to the U.N. building in New York. There, a Filipina gf of my friend greeted us with warm hugs and embraces. She works for the UN and had offered us a shelter for couple of days or more. Once inside her flat, she made everything comfortable for us to enjoy our revelry in time.


ABOVE, the Museum of Modern Art Building in NYC

Next morning, we hit Time Square and bought tickets for Broadway's "OLIVER." Then, off we went to MOMA to see the on-going exhibits there. Inside, guards were busy tracking down visitors with cameras with flash lighting up the walls of the museum.

“Cameras are prohibited here. Either you turn them off or I take them off your hands. Get it?”

"Get it." We replied in concerto, as if we were Jewish people getting ready for our executionby the hands of the neo Nazis. *Hail Hitler!* (laughs).

After that prelude, my cultural exploration began. I went from seeing the most bizarre work of modern art to the most incomprehensible piece of crap. There, a portion of Yoko Ono’s “green apple” exhibition was on display~ this art exhibit that captivated the heart of John Lennon.

Up on the next floor (I believe on the 3rd floor) was the ANDY WARHOL exhibition area. His famous “Campbell Soup” serigraph was on display. Delighted that I was seeing it in 2-D, I got ready with my Nikon FM2 professional manual camera to use. And after admiring this simple work of art (in my eyes, it was not anthing great, but was an innovation in the 70s), I went in circle of 5ths to see, observe, feel- if...the.. guards... could see... me... now!Then, in my obsession to share the news to my family in the Philippines that I was in MOMA, I decided I was gonna take chances and take pictures of WARHOL’s masterpiece and pose right beside it. That would be tacky I know but I thought it would be short and sweet. So, once the two tall, burly looking muscular black guards had left, I started clicking my camera. Then, I asked my gf to take my pictures beside Warhol's obra maestra. To my dismay, I did not realize that my camera was set with a flash- mamamia! And as soon as the flash sparkled like the 4th of July fireworks, the bulldogs came back into the room. I was so damned scared to death; they would collect me and dump me into the downtown precinct! Thinking aloud I quipped,

“I got to do something!”

“Think fast!!!” My alter ego shouted at me hysterically!

“Of course, I am thinking up fast, you crazy little conscience- shut up!”

Before I knew it, I was in the verge of panic. If the spunks find out I was the one who did it, I am in dead waters.

“Ma’m, did you see who was taking pictures?”

Heartbeats skipping, hands all sweaty- I said in my most sincere way,

“It’s over there, SIR!” (Moi, pointing on the left angle of the gallery…).

“ I saw a bunch of folks who ran over there, SIR!”

Graciously, they thanked me.

Horribly shaken, I had a nervous laugh. I almost peed in my pants! But, hey...

“I did it again. Haha!”

I won! I tricked them!

My gf on the other hand was smiling impishly right across me.

“OK, I am glad you were able to get away with it. Geez- you almost killed me with tension! Now let’s go out and see the Trump Tower.”

“Ok.”

To this day, I find this experience to be funny! I got a poker face, and boy- I could be a con artist! Don't you think so?


NOTE: MORE anecdotes to come so follow through this site. In a day or two, I'd have something to share with you. Thanks. Have a nice weekend!

Ciao!